Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Flashbacks and Prayers

One of my friends is having surgery tomorrow due to a cancer reccurrence. She found two lumps in her breast while on chemotherapy so they made the decision to perform a mastectomy. She is only in her early twenties. It's those stories, those moments, that make me ask why? Why do these things happen? And to great people? I feel for her... in a deep way that I can't even explain. I both fortunately and unfortunately have the gift of empathy... I almost feel like it is happening to me, like I'm there. But at the same time I know that I have no idea what she is going through.

So tonight I have been really pensive, just thinking about how she's doing and how she must be feeling. I have moments of flashback, remembering the days before my surgery and how intense they were and how lost I felt. I hope she doesn't feel that way. Mine happened all so fast, just like hers, and I remember feeling like I was in a whirlwind, in a dream. Nothing felt real... it took months for reality to actually set in. She is going to have a hard road ahead and I hate it for her. I wish I could take it all away. Is that weird to think? It sounds almost mothering but I don't mean it that way. Just as a friend I don't want her to have to go through that. And I know how it feels to have cancer make you lose something, make you feel like you lost your womanhood, and I would hate it if she felt that way... it sucks. She's gorgeous and doesn't deserve to go through that. But she will be just as gorgeous after her surgery... and her spirit I know will change people. I know she has inspired me.

So today, offer up prayers for Sarah. I pray that her surgery is successful and she has no further reccurence. Also that her recovery is quick and as painless as possible. I also pray that her spirit stays strong and she finds peace in her Lord as she pushes through the hard moments she might encounter once she wakes up. I pray that she feels empowered and not defeated. Amen.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Strokes of Confidence and Pain

I saw an entry on First Descent's blog about an art competition for cancer patients, their families, and oncologists. It's called "Oncology on Canvas". This immediately drew me in. While it has been years since I have actively painted, I did start oil painting when I was nine. Growing up, art was where I found my solace, and I have been eager to create a piece that I could really relate to post-cancer. The competition states that the "judges will seek artwork that best portrays inspiring cancer journeys". I have been contemplating this for hours now. How? How am I ever to accurately express through paint and brush strokes what I felt while battling cancer? I scan the past entries hoping that they will provide me with inspiration but I find nothing. Not that their paintings aren't inspiring, but I still walk away perplexed. There are many paintings of women with mastectomies that show true pain and joy together... but the idea of using my body of scars for my entry just didn't appeal to me. For me, my scars are the symbol of victory, quiet reminders that my doctors cut every cancer cell out of my body, but they are not my journey. My journey consists of the many conversations I had with my family and friends, the moments that I found myself having open conversations with God about death, and each night that I fell asleep to another old movie with Cary Grant or Gene Kelly in it. But how can that be put on paper?

In an effort to discover how to create strokes of both confidence and pain, I'd like to share some things that shaped my journey. There is a theme in all of my comforts that I later realized... maybe you will notice it.

As I just mentioned, I watched many old movies in that hospital room, but there was one that I could watch over and over again. "Singin' in the Rain" became my movie of choice. I'm not real sure why, but I found it comforting. Even the title seemed to speak to me... maybe because that's what I felt like I was doing... singing in the rain.

Before my surgery, every day when we would get in the car to drive to the hospital a certain song would come on the radio. It never failed, every time we cranked the car this song would be playing. Then, while I was in the hospital, my mom would always hear it on her way to see me and she'd tell me about it when she arrived. It was called "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns. Here are the lyrics... they were so powerful to me while I was sick:

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

That was my song for all of the hard times. The moments that I felt like even tears couldn't express the pain. But my journey was not all pain, and there is actually a song I have begun to turn to when I want to express joy and a desire for life. It's called "Something Beautiful" by Needtobreathe. The lyrics alone do not do justice to the song, so I suggest listening to it rather than just reading it, but enjoy the lyrics anyway :)

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side.

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this.
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need.
Something Beautiful

Hey now this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
Cause I am down on my knees
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

If you haven't noticed by now what the theme is I need to just tell you. Rain, storms, ocean, waves, tide, tears... water has become a place of solace for me. The week before my diagnosis I was rafting on a river. Exactly a year later I was back on that same river. And a year after that I was kayaking the Colorado with First Descents. This might seem silly and trivial but it's not to me. Since I was a little kid I have felt a very odd "connection" to water. I could sit and stare at waterfalls for hours. When I was 4 I even named my first puppy "Ripples" after the ripples I had seen in water. I wanted to be a marine biologist for the majority of my young life simply so I could be around water every day. I when my communications class my senior year of high school was told to write a speech comparing ourselves to an inanimate object, I compared myself to a river. And every time I went camping or to the beach I would always go sit by the water and just... meditate (for lack of a better word). I'm not sure why, but there has always been something about being near water that comforted me and gave me strength. Crazy isn't it? I can't explain it, and I'm well aware of how ridiculous it sounds. But none-the-less, it's true. Every time I am near water I just feel Go's presence more. I feel his power more.

Maybe that should be the theme of my art work. I am unsure how to incorporate it, but I probably should find a way. So I'll end this blog with what my husband says to me when I say I love water. David: "I love water. I love clouds. I love mountains. I love trees. I love the animals in the trees. I love the fleas on the animals in the trees. I love the amoebas on the fleas on the animals in the trees on the mountains by the water under the clouds."

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Celebrities with Colon Cancer

The other day I was listening to various stories about celebrities with breast cancer, lung cancer, etc and it got me to thinking... I wonder how many famous people have had colon cancer? So I started looking it up and several of the people surprised me.

The most shocking to me was Audrey Hepburn. AUDREY HEPBURN! Considered one of the most classy actresses to ever live died of one of the most shunned cancers. Who would have thought?

Elizabeth Montgomery, best known for her role as Samantha on the hit TV show "Bewitched", also died of colon cancer. She actually battled it twice before it took her life when she was in her 60s.

Jack Lemmon, actor, died of colon and bladder cancer in his 70s.

Walter Matthau, actor, had metastatic colon cancer but died of heart disease.

Vince Lombardi, coach of the Green Bay Packers, died of colon cancer.

Ronald Reagan, the President I was named after, fought colon cancer and eventually recovered.

Sharon Osbourne was diagnosed with colon cancer in her late 40s and recovered. She is still cancer free today.

And most recently, Farrah Fawcett died of colon cancer. Her fight was chronicled in a documentary.

With all of these celebrities having suffered from colon cancer, why is there not more awareness being raised? Is it because most of them didn't make it? It seems Sharon Osbourne is the only one still alive. But even the people who did not win their battle, they have families... couldn't someone stand up and fight for this? Breast cancer has a voice with tons of celebrities including Christina Applegate, even testicular cancer has a voice with Lance Armstrong... colon cancer is the second leading cause of cancer deaths... it needs a voice too!

I really hope that someone that is in the position to stand up and raise awareness for this cause will. The public (and physicians) needs to know that colon cancer is not just for people over 50... anyone can get it.

Ok, end rant.

Hormone Therapy and Cancer

http://www.webmd.com/ovarian-cancer/news/20101108/hormone-therapy-linked-ovarian-cancer

Just a quick blurb on the effect hormone therapy can have on our cancer risk. In short, it GREATLY increases our risk for ovarian cancer!

And just an FYI... as much as it sucks, birth control IS a form of hormone therapy.

Read the article for more.
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting..... 'WHAT A RIDE!'"