Friday, October 15, 2010

When Death Crosses Your Mind

Death is something I think about on a regular basis. Not to be depressing, but it's a reality. But death is rarely something I talk about. Probably because the only people who would be able to understand are those who have been there themselves, and I know very few people who have been in similar shoes as me. But here, well, I'm sure most people that read this have been in the cancer battle at one time or another so I feel more comfortable sharing in this place. And sometimes death is just something I need to talk about. Can anyone relate?

I never actually felt like my cancer diagnosis was a death sentence but I definitely had my moments where I thought I might be seeing the Lord sooner than I expected. I remember the first time I thought about dying after I heard my diagnosis... it was about three days later. I woke up one morning and found myself just praising God that he allowed me to wake up one more day. It hit me that morning that my colon could rupture any day and I'd be gone. For almost two weeks I went to bed every night praying to be able to wake up... then when I woke up I prayed that I'd be able to go to bed that night. I wasn't fearful, but I knew death was a serious possibility, and I just wasn't ready.

This is just a short note to say that it's ok to think about death, I would venture to say all cancer patients do, but try to not let it run your thoughts. That is still something I have to remind myself of. When death crosses my mind I will let myself think on it briefly, but then I try to focus on feeling alive instead :)


  1. Pickles - I love that you're writing your thoughts out here and sharing them with us.

    It's true, at least for me, that death crosses my mind daily (and it's not just because I sign death certificates for a living...haha)!
    It's just because I think that we have been in the position to actually face our mortality head on.
    We've learned what's really important in life - in each day - and in each beautiful moment!
    And the important things in life aren't really "things" at all.... I cherish each day that I've been given and am thankful to have them!

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this!

    Bright blessings to you on this beautiful day!!

  2. Pickles! I just stumbled upon your blog through Facebook. You don't know how much I needed to read this right now! Unfortunately, I have been thinking of death/my mortality quite a bit lately as I make decisions about new treatment/surgery possibilities. Stage IV metastatic cancer is quite scary even though I've responded pretty well with the chemo I've received this past year.

    However, I'm now at a point where I don't think I can physically or mentally do that intense chemo anymore ~ it's not the quality of life that I want. So, it's looking like surgery is my next treatment choice. If this doesn't work or even if it does, I will still need to continue treatment (chemo) after surgery. I will try it, but I know that if it makes me feel like I've felt this past year, I will not do it. Therefore, I think about death a lot because it's a closer possibility for me at this point.

    I don't mean to sound depressing and most of the time, I'm still so positive and hopeful. :) My family and friends, aside from my husband, don't want to hear me talk about death at all. Therefore, it's so helpful when I can talk with other cancer survivors about it. You understand that I'm not staying in this sad, negative place, but that we all need to think about it because it's more of a reality for us.

    So, thank you, Pickles, for helping someone (me) when you really wrote this for yourself. And thank you, Undertaker, for sharing as well. You ladies make me feel okay and "normal." I hate that we all have to think about this at such young ages, but I'm so grateful for you both (and all of our FD/cancer survivor friends)! If it's okay with you, Pickles, I'd like to continue following your blog. :) Love and miss you all so much! I think of us all in the water or up on that mountain (at the ranch) or riding horses or so many other things ALL THE TIME! Love, hugs, and laughter!! ~Johnny


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting..... 'WHAT A RIDE!'"