Sunday, May 27, 2012

An Honest Admission

I'm overweight.

There. I said it.

I remember when I had my colon surgery and emerged 55 lbs lighter and swore to myself I would never allow myself to get that big again.

Well I haven't allowed that. But I'm only 5 lbs away.

The day that I wake up and step on that scale and am 100% back to my post-surgery weight will be a very dark and depressing day. I've been thinking about all of this for months, wondering why I have such a bad relationship with food. I was never an "over-eater" before the surgery... I was overweight then because I unknowingly had cancer. But now, while I primarily eat healthy foods, I really do overeat.

And that is always my crutch... I always tell myself "I eat healthy foods". I eat very little meat, I don't keep junk food in the house, I eat fruit and smoothies and quinoa and legumes. I don't constantly stuff my face with pizza and burgers, though I will admit I don't stay away from them either. I eat healthy foods.

But that doesn't mean I eat healthy.

Eating too much of something healthy makes it no longer healthy. I'm probably easily consuming twice the amount of calories as I should be. And even though I eat healthy when I'm home, I'm not always home. If I'm out I tend to do the most convenient thing... frequenting the nearest drive thru.

After my surgery and my weightloss I felt like I had been unleashed. I had been so limited in my diet for years because of the pain caused by what we now know was the tumor and as soon as it was out of my body all I wanted to do was eat as much as I wanted and anything I wanted. I think emotionally I feel like if I can no longer eat what I want then I must be sick again. I also think that I'm so overwhelmed by the multitudes of health issues I have to watch and treat etc that the last thing I want to do is have to be concerned with my diet. So I eat whatever is easiest. And I eat whenever I feel the least bit hungry.

This past week I have been trying to start a diet. I hate that word. It suggests something temporary and these eating habits need to be anything but temporary. This needs to be a full on lifestyle change. But it certainly isn't easy. And really I don't understand why. Why is it so difficult to say "No, I don't want to go out to eat." Or, "No Reagan, you don't need to eat that french fry. Have some veggies instead." Why is it so difficult to get away from processed foods? So frustrating.

Then there is this whole exercise thing. Again, why is so hard to make myself do this?? I can plan my exercise and weekly menu while sitting comfortably on my sofa, but when it comes to implementing any of it you can forget it.

Does that make me lazy? I guess it might. I am tired most of the time. By 5pm I am spent. I usually can't even imagine doing anything that doesn't involve a pillow and a remote. But that sure is a sad way to live.

I want to do more. And I want to feel like doing more. That is a big reason why I want to lose weight. I know it will make me feel better. I need that extra energy it will give me.

But I need some accountability. I'm horrible at holding myself accountable (something else I need to work on). Anyone want to be responsible for holding me accountable???

*As a side note, my husband is about to join the military. He will be going to boot camp and coming home in awesome shape. I would LOVE to show up to his graduation 30 lbs lighter in a sexy hott dress. So I'm going to try to use that as my motivation! :)

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"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting..... 'WHAT A RIDE!'"